Of course, Rob, Dave and Ernie are not the only three beer hawkers. There are others equally vital to the organization - circling them, waiting for them to die. Like the lions of the Kalahari, when the rogue males feel the dominant are no longer up to the challenge, they will strike.

But rather than leave them for dead and take their women, young hawkers will crush them with kegs and steal their trays.

Would you like to meet them?

I knew that you would.

Ajay: “Mr. Brown”
6’3”; 215

Ajay came to us from the food kid ranks, originally coming across as just one of any number of food kids that have come through the beer room, usually doing nothing more than being in the way.

However, Ajay had his sights set on something higher.

Although just one of many back when he started 6 years ago, he quickly caught the attention of the beer hawkers via his willingness to clothespin peanut bags to his body.

That, and he was willing to assist in helping trap his co-workers in the freezer. For having a standard of morals equivalent to Paul “Mr Wonderful” Orndorff, he was recruited immediately upon his 19th birthday.

Vince: the “Rainbow Warrior”
6’6”; 200

Vince is the most worldly of the beer hawkers, having represented Canada in quite a number of international sporting events, most recently in Montreal, where he helped plug more dykes than a village of Dutch boys.

Currently employed in the QC department of a major Canadian paint manufacturer, he is carrying on the vital work of finding another hue between fuchsia and rose.

Although he doesn’t work in the stands as often anymore, Vince is still a vital cog in the hawker machine, as he routinely assists in the back; he has often said how much he enjoys the backdoor shenanigans, because he feels most comfortable in that environment.

He is the wind - you know he’s there, but you’re not sure how hard he’s going to blow.

James: “Duff”
From: Parts Unknown
Weight: Unknown

The enigma of the beer room, Duff keeps to himself. Quietly efficient, he is considered the “Silent Bob” of the Hawker Room; when he does speak, it is usually the most on-topic and quite profound.

Otherwise, he too is like the wind; you know he’s going to be there, but you’re not just sure when.

A pioneer in the art of “turkey bowling”, Duff has also worked his way up from food kid. Although not possessing the same fascination for self-mutilation as Ajay, he nonetheless caught beer hawker attention through his ability to stay the hell out of the way. And, as he’s gotten older, his rugged good looks keep the ladies comin’ in.

For the older hawkers, he keeps the boys young. For the ugly guys, he plays a good commander to their wingman, helping everyone maintain their kill quotient. For Rob, Duff is the bitter reality of what never has been…so he must die.

Mike: “Uncle”
6’3”; 215

Although his retinue of bartending service could have gotten Mike notice had he ever applied to hawk beer, what got him in were his Latvian charm, his Baltic good looks, and the fact that he’s Rob’s brother-in-law. Fluent in three languages (English, French and ‘Franglais’ – trust me, you have to meet Patrique Marceau and experience his Creole), Mike never claims his intelligence puts him above beer hawking.

“I don’t care who you are,” says Mike, “as long as the currency is real, you’re getting a beer.” Starting an electrical engineering program in the fall, he longs to surpass previous hawkers/technician trainees like Rich Tarnow, who never made it past radios and puddles of water.

Jason: “the Big Mope”
7’0”; 285

Worked 16 years at the park; predates all other hawkers’ arrival. Then got married; became a teacher; moved to a hippie island with his wife and mother-in-law; stopped coming to the park. Now dead to the hawkers.

Jesse: has not yet earned a nickname
5’3”; 135

The definition of being a small man, Jesse nonetheless attempts to punch above his weight in this his second season with the hawkers. A bartender of renown at one of Vancouver’s prime cougar-hunting spots, Jesse has been known to be quite a gunslinger in his own right:

“I likes to hunt the big cat!”

Jessica: “Mama”

The whip that keeps the den in order, Jessica enters her first year as a hawker by being the one who pours the beer. A compassionate taskmistress, Baby J has the ability to turn on a dime and put you in your place. As she has been quoted, “when Mama has her spells, you do what she says!”

We’re hoping she softens as she gets older but, gauging by what hawking has done to the men, we can only hope Jess knows to get out before her soul is irrevocably lost.

Vikki: "The Coug"

The "cougar" is a large animal with fur that is short and reddish-brown to grey-brown with white on the underside; the tail is black-tipped. The head is fairly small with small, rounded ears and large feet. The average adult male weighs 125 pounds and the female 100 pounds.

A "Vikki" had been the regular pourer in the beer room for the last four years. She is a small female with reddish-brown hair who is fairly pasty on the underside, possessing tiny feet but a fairly good right hand.

Both creatures mate for life; both creatures spend the intervening years prowling large territories seeking out prey - cougars the mountains, Vikkis the bars.

With a wisdom that belied her years, Vikki kept the beer room in order by utilizing her natural abilities. For, you see, like a Vikki, the female cougar has a distinct scream that has been described as "nerve-wracking, demoniac, terror-striking, a trilling wail". Such wisdom, however, abandoned Vikki in her hour of need. A freak vitamin mix-up has resulted in a year-long absence, punctuated by endless hours tending to a litter of one.

No longer able to prowl the highways and barways of Vancouver, she has nicely settled into her den, eagerly raising the little kit for her eventual replacement in the beer room. Not for good time, however, as just like her forebears, beer money’s going to have to help buy baby clothes. GRRRR!!

_____________________________________________________________________

There’s your members of Local 666 for 2006. I hope you’ve enjoyed getting to know them/us a little bit over the last week. Should you find yourself at Nat Bailey in the future, try to guess who each one actually is. Despite the fantastic assertions made here, it should be fairly obvious.

Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you at the Nat in 2007.

I Teneo Argentum!