Have you ever, in your life, come across a person whose very demeanour both pulls you in yet makes you question having further children? Every worksite has that person, be they a Debbie Downer, Selma Bouvier or Dwight Schrute?

Meet Ernie: “Mr. Nice”

The first successful human to be spliced with lemon DNA, Ernie entered the world in 1969, just in time for Woodstock. Left behind when the festival ended, he made his way to Nova Scotia, where his formative years were spent attending “David Rowan Secondary School” in the Annapolis Valley, named after the accidental Redcoat.

An average student, he was able to set himself apart in Grade 5 with the essay “Why Disco Blows”. A seminal piece in the anti-disco movement, the amazement that it was penned by someone so young led Bill Veeck, then-owner of the Chicago White Sox, to slap his son Mike in the head, daring him to come up with something better.

Relocating to British Columbia in 1989 as the result of a plea bargain, Ernie decamped to Port Hardy, BC’s most famous halfway house, located on Northern Vancouver Island.

Working at the prison radio station both awakened a passion in Ernie and fulfilled his parole requirements.

Reassigned to Vancouver in 1991, he soon found himself unemployed, the result of a secret agenda by a cabal of Dave Pratt, Terry David Mulligan and Nardwuar the Human Serviette. Frozen out of radio and both the Fraternité du Squeegee and Brotherhood of the Shopping Cart, he chose to look in the phonebook and interview with each company listed.

Luckily for him, A&B Sound was hiring; the rest is history.

Ernie has the second-longest tenure as a beer hawker, 15 years. Such a streak is attributed to his inability to ‘get a hint’ and the fact that his salary is diverted to support the Zapatista movement in southern Mexico.

He also owns over 200 baseball hats, one for every stadium/team he has visited, plus one of each affiliate of his beloved Cleveland Indians.


As for those Jacob’s Field dwellers, he has one of every hat they’ve ever had.

You’d think he’d be tired of collecting them, but he says otherwise. “I’m not above free stuff. Some people look down on free because it comes across as worthless. Not me; it’s money I don’t have to spend.” So noted is his collection that regular customers will supply him with hats from the stadiums they visit.

The affinity for the Cleveland Indians is what sets Ernie apart from the rest of the Hawkers. Whereas many Hawkers have a team they generally follow (Rob: Oakland A’s & wherever Bengie Molina is playing; Vince Adams: San Francisco Giants & the University of Hawaii), and Dave will always have time for the St. Louis Cardinals, Ernie is quite rabid about The Tribe.

Once having claimed to be both Cory Snyder’s father and Bob Feller’s son, he was able to finally travel to Cleveland in 2002 and see his heroes play. Unfortunately, the night before, in Akron, while watching the Aeros play the Harrisburg Senators, he actually got to watch today’s Indians play, as most of the Senators starters were sent to Cleveland that night.

He discovered Bartolo Colon had been traded back in the hotel. But a sandwich at Alice Cooperstown and 12 beers at the Thirsty Parrot helped ease the pain, and the police were the only ones able to make him leave. He’d go back in a second, except for that darn restraining order.

So remember, if you’re coming to Nat Bailey, bring a spare hat from your local sports team. Size 7 ¾; adjustable hats don’t fit heads as big as his. Or, if coming from the Greater Cleveland area, some blades of grass from 2401 Ontario Street. Ernie might just have to ‘spill’ a beer for you.