Who the hell is Mike Safford Jr, I hear you ask?

Who indeed. Mike Safford Jr is the guy who does play by play for the Boise Hawks - a club that offers, in my opinion, the best online coverage of home games anywhere in the lower levels of ball, and by a country mile at that.

Boise doesn’t just do audio calls - they work with a company called Fiberpipe to stream video footage of the games - live - and for free.

Every club in the NWL (except for the Tri-City Dust Devils) offers online listeners a webcast so family, friends and fans of the players can keep up with their games as they travel around the northwest, but Boise’s the only one that does video.

For many clubs, especially the Vancouver Canadians, who only have about a third of their home games covered by TEAM 1040 radio, getting even audio coverage of their games is a giant pain in the behind.

In order to keep fans happy, the Vancouver front office has to find someone who will call the games on the web, travel with the team on the road, arrange deals with distant hotels to exchange accommodation for on-air plugs, and not complain that they’re doing all that for free.

In essence, they rely on the hospitality of strangers and interns so that we, the fans, can listen to the call.

Most clubs don’t work it this way - those with good radio deals don’t have to worry about such things, because the radio stations in question cover their commentators expenses.

Boise is one such team - they’re covered by ESPN Radio 1350 KTIK-AM, "The Ticket", who have for the last three years given the on-air duties to Mike Safford Jr.

Who is a jack-ass.

And here’s why.

Close your eyes and picture it. No, don’t really close your eyes or you can’t read what I’m about to tell you, goofball. Pretend you’re closing your eyes. Maybe squint.

So it’s the back end of the 2004 season and Boise and Vancouver have managed to get themselves in the playoffs for the NWL title. This is huge among fans of both teams, because both divisions were neck and neck for much of the year, and Vancouver in particular stumbled to the playoffs after a massive road slump nearly killed their season, only to pull out a last gasp win against the Emeralds on the road to beat Everett for the Western Division.

It was a big time event. We were finally looking like we could win it all.

The catch?

The first two games of the series would be played in Boise.

Ack.

So naturally, since Boise streams video of their games for free, every man and his dog was watching that as the playoffs rolled on. And when you watch the streaming video, the call you get is that of Mike Safford Jr.

Now, I’d been playing with Safford’s head for months through the season, so I already considered him a bit of a goofball. Early on, when the C’s had their first road trip to Boise, I’d been listening in and every time Safford’s co-caller had said something - anything at all - Safford’s response would be "amen to that."

"I think Landon Powell is a long ball threat…"
"Amen to that."

"I could really use a hot dog."
"Amen to that."

"You’re saying ‘amen to that’ a lot."
"Amen to that."

So I emailed Safford and told him the following:

Hey Mike,
Love your call. You’re doing a great job down there, but what’s with the ‘amen to that’ habit? I’ve been counting and so far in the first five innings of the game, you’ve said it 14 times. Are you a religious man? Is God your co-announcer? Should I genuflect to my PC speakers whenever I hear His voice?
Love, Oz

Safford duly mentions this on the air, much to his cohort’s joy, and makes some excuse about not being used to having a co-announcer and he’ll try to keep a lid on his amens in the future. Me? I’m laughing hysterically listening to Safford umming and aahing and clearly getting embarassed. It’s one of the few joys I can muster since the Canadians had seemingly surrendered the series before it had even began… but that’s another story, one I’ll save for the bestseller.

Anyhoo, so Safford’s flustered and the game rolls on, and he says "amen to that" a few more times, and each time he does I send another email:

"15 times!"

"18 times!"

And eventually it takes effect. Some Boise player hits a double, to which the cohort caller says something like, that was a huge hit, and Stafford says…

"Amen to… uh… yeah it was."

Seriously, I’m dying with laughter now. Okay, so it’s not groundbreaking humor of the George Carlin variety, but I enjoy messing with the heads of the radio callers, something I’m sure Matt "Hit ‘em where they ain’t" Baker can attest to.

So why is Mike Safford Jr a jackass?

This is why.

Minor league radio callers always invite people listening to email them. Always. It’s how they fill time. "Hey, we got an email from Myron Leslie’s Aunt Maggie in Florida, she says she’s enjoying the call and wishes all the best to Myron as he takes his third at bat of the day…" That kind of thing.

So it’s playoffs time and the C’s are hurting, and every family member, friend, girlfriend and fan is tuned in to Safford’s stumbling prose, and he reads one of his emails, this one from someone he calls "Landon Powell’s Vancouver girlfriend."

Which is weird, because Landon Powell doesn’t HAVE a Vancouver girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend in the Carolinas, one he’s engaged to, and one who had visited him for much of his time in Vancouver, causing about 2000 males to crane their necks every time she walked by to go sit behind the dugout and tan herself in the Nat Bailey sunlight.

See, Landon Powell’s fiancee isn’t just hot - she’s like something out of the Fantastic Four. She ignites stainless steel surfaces with nothing more than a casual glance. If she were any hotter, they’d have to unhook the smoke detectors from hotels before she could check in. Think Jennie Finch hot. Think un-air conditioned basement suite in Hell hot. Think ‘wasabi enema’ hot.

But there’s Safford, saying on the air, for all Powell’s friends and family to hear, "I have an email here from Landon Powell’s Vancouver girlfriend…"

His co-host says something like, "didn’t we get an email from his other girlfriend yesterday?" and Safford, either not realizing he’s got the player’s name wrong, or that someone is playing a gag on him, or maybe even knowing full well that what he’s saying is untrue says, "Well, you know these ballplayers…"

So the Director of Media Relations at the Canadians calls Safford between innings and says "what the hell are you doing - you can’t say things like that about people!", and was reportedly told, "Nobody tells me what I can and cannot say on my show."

Begrudgingly, a few innings later, Stafford mumbled something about the offending email ‘probably’ having been a joke, but the damage had been done. Pandora’s box was open for business.

So the game is over and Powell climbs aboard the team bus for a 12 hour journey back to Vancouver, and every single person he knows is hitting his cellphone screaming "What are you? Insane? What’s wrong with you? How could you do that?"

Every single person, that is, EXCEPT his girlfriend (his REAL girlfriend), who is totally cool and knows that it isn’t true and knows that if it was, she would have been told about it by one of the many people she became friends with while in town, but that isn’t playing with Powell’s family, who are filthy with him for his supposed indiscretion, and for the next 12 hours, instead of sleeping and resting so he can try to come back from the 2-0 lead Boise has in the series, Powell is repeating the same thing over and over - "I don’t know what this guy’s talking about, it isn’t true, why would I do something like that?"

Of course, Boise swept Vancouver in the playoffs 3-0, and Powell played like crap, and Safford paid no price for his boneheaded radio call, despite the negative effect it could well have had on the Vancouver team, and the personal life and career of one Landon Powell.

Was it deliberate on Safford’s part to try to throw Powell off his game? Was it ‘just a joke’? Was it the sort of thing a guy with half an hour’s radio experience should know NOT to say? Who knows, but whatever the excuses, whatever the twisted logic, I refuse to let it die.

Mike Safford Jr is a jackass, and I’m here to make sure everyone knows it.

So when you’re watching Boise’s streaming video of the game tonight, feel free to turn down the sound and hit CanadiansBaseball.com so you can listen to the call of young Matt Baker, who is currently in the middle of nowhere, sleeping in a rathole hotel, having traveled on a bus with many stinky ballplayers to get there - and for no payment - just so we have an alternative to the JACKASS call of Mr Mike Safford Jr.

Amen to that.

And now, a picture of Vancouver webcast co-host Rob McGowan’s kidney.

No tumors!